I’ve got a new(er) car. Red, shiny, doesn’t get overtaken by every other car on a slight incline – it’s great... except for a lock-up cock-up.

Considering it’s got a tiny 898cc engine, my new-to-me second hand Renault is really quite nippy. Thanks to a turbo (which makes me feel like an F1 star), and the fact that I’ve yet to find any actual metal in the bodywork, it’s lovely to go up a hill and not be overtaken by tractors, milk floats and the occasional cyclist. And, bless those French designers, they’ve incorporated a Crystal Maze-style quest into it too. Unfortunately, it’s only for one player, though. If you’ve got the main key with central locking buttons, you’re not allowed to play. Non! But if you have the spare, manual, key then – Oui! Prepare to begin your quest.

You have two minutes to complete the following mission: You must get into the car, start the engine, turn it off again and exit the car, leaving it locked. Easy, right? Let’s Twin-go!

“OK team – I’ve got the key, and I’m going round to the driver’s door. I’ll just pop it in the... wait! OK, this is weird – there’s no keyhole. What? Yes, I’m sure... there definitely isn’t one. Right, I’m heading round to the passenger door. Yes! There’ a keyhole. I’m putting the key in and turning it. Nothing. No click, no sound of the central locking activating. Maybe it’s not the right key. 90 seconds left?

Right... no, still nothing. I’ll try the handle. Yes! It’s open. I’m heading back to the driver’s side to get in and... damn! This door is still locked. Heading back to the passenger door. I’ve opened it, and I’m pressing the central locking button in the middle of the dashboard. Nope. Nothing. I’ll climb in over the seats.

A minute left? Crikey! Yes, I’m climbing OW! over the gearstick... wow, that handbrake pokes up a long way. Right, I’m in the driver’s seat, putting the key in the ignition and turning it over. Engine running! Yes! Turning it off and getting out of the car. Oh no! I got out of the driver’s door, so I can’t lock it from this side. Back round to the passenger side.

Yup, 30 seconds, it’s OK. Key in the lock... still no click, but yes the door is locked. Check the driver’s side? Well, no car manufacturer is going to allow you to have a spare key that doesn’t lock the car securely, now is it? What if you’ve gone out and your partner wants to use the car?

I5 seconds?! OK I... NO! It’s unlocked! What the hell? Back to the (10!) other side and (5!) I’ll try (4!) and reach (3!) across and (2!) push the (1!) handle and... I’ve failed haven’t I? But, ironically, not locked in.”

Still – maybe I should just get another full-function electronic key? £180?! For a KEY?! Do they fly them first class from France? C’est stupide, Renault!