Last updated 13:31, Thursday, 25 September 2008

TALKING to a nursery teacher this week she commented on the new group of three year olds coming into the nursery.

She could tell who was used to being in a setting with other children and who was doing it for the first time. 

It’s difficult for little ones to find themselves in a situation where they are taken to an exciting and colourful setting – with the promise of fun things to do – but have to wave goodbye to mum or dad at the door, sometimes for the first time.

It’s also a time when they have to develop new friendships, without their family there to break down barriers and help them become part of the group.

Nursery staff are experienced in preparing children for this but, as my colleague pointed out, the preparation starts at a much earlier stage.

A sociable toddler has usually had the chance to mix with others and learn the art of sharing at the earliest stage.

Moments of tension are inevitable when a 12-month-old’s play session is interrupted by someone who crawls over to investigate the same toy. How do you get across – without speech – that this is your toy and you are quite happy on your own?

It is at this stage that an adult can help by playing with both children and helping them to realise it can be fun to play with someone else.

As they get older this is often where biting occurs in toddler groups. It’s upsetting for the victim and needs a clear explanation from a parent about not hurting others. It might also alert parents that they need to join the play.

It’s difficult for both parents. The one whose child has been the victim may feel angry with the other child, and when your child is the biter you feel responsible for the ensuing tears.

As they get older children develop their own way of getting in on a game by holding back and sizing up the game before working out a way of becoming involved. We sometimes underestimate how much younger children can do this.

There is a great video we watch on parenting courses where children are filmed playing in a street back in the 1970s. It’s out of date now but we keep it in the programme to show how, when left with adults watching in the distance, a group of three and four-year-olds can work out how to agree and disagree without adults getting involved.

Nowadays, children may have fewer unsupervised play situations, and sometimes adults become too involved in their problem solving. Falling out and making up are important in a child’s development.

If they can solve arguments as a child they are more liable to grow up able to keep friendships. How often do adults continue feuding over disagreements between their children – when the children have made up?

Children need to know that feeling angry with a friend is something that happens and that as they develop their talking skills they will find ways of sorting things out on their own.

So if at a baby stage their parent is there to help them get on with their playmate, they can begin to realise it can be fun to share and play together, and they will learn how to communicate as they get older.

The skills we teach the baby at 12 months old can be useful when they set off to nursery two years later.

And it is one less thing to worry about on that first day when the thought of playing with other children is something to get excited about.