Virus causes family distress
Published at 13:25, Monday, 17 October 2011
I HAVE been aware for several years that I suffer from a viral infection that at any one time can be afflicting a large proportion of the population.
Once infected with this virus it will stay with you for life. It infects regardless of race or gender. Thankfully, it isn’t life threatening but its effects can be embarrassing for sufferers, especially men.
The majority of sufferers will have become infected between 1974 and 1982 by one of the many strains of this virulent, man-made virus. Others may have been infected by one of its mutations which developed during the 80s and continue to do so to this day.
Some people succumbed almost immediately after exposure but for many the virus will have remained dormant, only revealing its presence in later life. This seems to be particularly true for men who seem initially to have had a greater resistance to its effects.
The main symptoms to be aware of are involuntary muscle spasms which can vary from tapping fingers and feet to nodding heads and, most disturbingly, full body movements which are often mistakenly referred to as “dancing”.
Another symptom, more likely to cause distress to anyone in the vicinity of the sufferer rather than to the sufferer themselves, is the uncontrollable urge to make noises, ranging from a moderate humming to full blown outbursts loosely described as “singing”. The usual trigger for the virus to take effect is hearing a particular series of sounds, although it does have a memory effect which can result in outbreaks without an external stimulus.
This cruel virus was created in Sweden by Ulvaeus, Andersson, Fältskog and Lyngstad and has become known as ABBA. Teenagers witnessing their parents in the throes of an ABBA attack can be affected so profoundly by a sense of shame that they can only communicate by monosyllabic grunts.
My latest attack came last Thursday, while watching Top of the Pops 1976 on BBC4. The programme ended with a performance of ABBA’s Dancing Queen to which I found myself tapping my fingers and singing along. Fortunately this happened in the privacy of my own home but I feel it necessary to apologise to my family for the distress such an outburst caused them.
Luckily on this occasion I was able to counter the effect of the virus so the attack was very short lived. I was able to do this using a wonder product recently made available to the public which, although not a cure, can help to alleviate its symptoms and is available without prescription. It goes by the name 90 Bisodol (Crimond) and is the most recent product released by Half Man Half Biscuit who have been creating antidotes to all the major infections inflicted upon music fans for more than 25 years.
It contains 12 doses of wryly humorous observations of everyday life with which to counter an outbreak of ABBA. It is especially recommended for “alternative” musical sensitivities.
Published by http://www.nwemail.co.uk
Have your say
What absolute piffle! Are you actually getting paid for writing this rubbish?
Posted by Debbie Carr on 19 October 2011 at 13:09