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Sunday, 05 July 2015

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Freeview Willy

THERE are few things that would survive a nuclear apocalypse. Scientists, or was it science fiction, have claimed that the cockroach was hardy enough to outlive the dinosaur, so in all likelihood a little radiation would be toxic sludge off its invertebrate back.

Will Metcalfe
Will Metcalfe

But now there is something that not even the bomb could destroy, Big Brother.

After being cancelled by Channel 4 in 2010 the show was scraped from the barrel of trash TV by Channel 5, and it seems the latest crop of housemates have similar origins.

The thing is it’s fashionable to slate reality TV without having watched a second but to be honest I could have saved myself 45 minutes had I just switched off.

The trouble is it’s all so familiar, the set looks as if someone invited Changing Rooms to give Strangeways a makeover and the same old theme tune and voiceover bloke are kicking about.

But, more (or possibly less) surprising is the dead-eyed vacancy of the contestants.

There’s an array of models, a personal trainer, fame hungry idiots and a former member of LA’s infamous Crips gang.

Not for the first time the programme has scooped up an unwitting transsexual (female to male this time) and thrust them into the spotlight.

Though Luke has obviously taken his cues for masculinity from the American Pie movies.

For all the bravery of going through with the change you have to question his intelligence when he’s apparently been quoted as saying ‘not many people know I was born female’. Well mate, they probably do now.

Big Brother may have done its bit to polarise popular opinion since the late 1990s but the monarchy has been doing the same thing for several hundred years more.

Away from this week’s celebrity zoo-watch Spring Watch is back! Though, perhaps someone should have mentioned that it’s no longer spring.

This year of course was the Diamond Jubilee, a two-day bank holiday designed to benefit flag makers after years of dwindling businesses and the Queen being herself for 60 years.

And for some reason some bright spark decided to arrange for 1,000 boats to sail down the Thames as a way of marking the occasion.

But this alone was not enough, the BBC decided to televise it! The obvious question is why? I can’t even say it would be a nice memento for those who took part to look back on.

Oh, look you see that boat son ‘Which one dad?’ the one on the left son, ‘next to the one with big golden bits’ well, not quite, look to the left, ‘oh yes, I think I see it. Are you the one being towed by the man in a bigger boat’, yes son. It was the greatest day in my life.

Who would consider that a celebration after 60 years on the throne?

I certainly wouldn’t want to celebrate with a bunch of prats in boats sailing past and waving at me while a butler was paid to hold an umbrella over my head.

I’d rather spend the day indoors with a couple of bottles of champagne.

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