Last updated at 10:09, Monday, 20 August 2012

I SOMETIMES find myself pondering entirely random things. I say “sometimes” – what I mean is “constantly”. And when I say “pondering” I really mean “failing to function as a normal human being while daydreaming about...”

Peter Grenville

Here’s a few of this week’s strange brain-sneezes, some of which have escaped as actual words, causing startled friends and colleagues to back away slowly, while maintaining eye contact and smiling.

Olympics closing ceremony and Spice Girls on top of taxis

Be honest – would anyone really have been upset if the driver of the car with Posh on top had “accidentally” stabbed the brake pedal a bit too hard?

Manners from a three-year-old

I had the pleasure of meeting a charming young lady for the first time on Saturday. While we were having dinner, I asked her a question, and she pointed at her mouth, while staring me in the eye and continuing to munch her food. Apparently, you’re not supposed to talk with your mouth full. Shown up by someone who hasn’t had their fourth birthday yet. Damn.

Loss of identity on Twitter

While trying to change my brilliantly witty Olympics-themed profile picture, something went hideously wrong and now I have no picture at all. I’m still checking my hands regularly, in case I’m fading out of existence. It’s either that or the restraining order from Kate Bush’s lawyers has caught up with me again.

Filling out forms

I have discovered there is a terrifying additional problem with getting older. You move into the next section on forms. I’m no longer 30-44.

I’m 45-60. You have no idea of the level of dread this instils in the soul. I’ve started hankering after salmon-coloured trousers and wearing socks and sandals. Send help.

Cornflakes in a pot

Microwave beans are lazy – fact. Small plastic pot with a one-person-sized helping of cornflakes in? This is the beginning of end of civilization, people! How could you let it come to this! We’ve landed on the moon, for God’s sake! And by comparison to a regular packet, it was about 500 per cent more expensive, too. Stop it.

Have a, randomly, good weekend.

If you can.

First published at 14:32, Friday, 17 August 2012
Published by http://www.nwemail.co.uk