Driving me mad

Question: Take these three words: Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre. Now shuffle them up. How many combinations can you come up with? And what if you add in some other words, like ‘Random braking’, ‘don’t indicate’ and ‘drive like Noddy’? Answer: A lot. And they all seem to be in front of me on my way to work...

Trains last time, and now cars? I seem to be on a random assault of transport modes. I haven’t even got to cyclists yet (largely because of my Lycraphobia and the restraining order), but they’re (mostly) fitter than me, so hurling abuse at them is not recommended, as they can catch me up pretty quickly... when they aren’t weaving in and out of traffic, ignoring red lights and frightening children with unseemly bulges.

Oops. Did I just offend cyclists? Sorry, MAMILS (Middle-Aged Men In Lycra). I’m just seeing how many different groups of people I can irritate before the NW Evening Mail decide I’m a liability and disconn

Ha. Had you worried.

When I learnt to drive, way back in the mists of time (but it could have been the smog of Reading, Berkshire), my strangely-moustachioed driving instructor, Des, taught me all about Mirror, Signal, Manoeuvre.
 

It looks a lot like I was the only one, judging by what I have to contend with on my daily commute from Arnside to Ambleside (I like to keep my journeys alphabetical).

I know there are a lot of lovely tourists driving about, who maybe don’t know the roads, or plugged their pratnav in upside down, or who just want to enjoy the view, but at 8.00am on a weekday? In February? Come on – some of these nutters must be natives!
 

So what exactly IS so difficult about taking a quick glance in one of your mirrors (you’ve mostly got 3 anyway... unless you went a bit close to the dry stone walls again) so take your pick. Once you’ve spotted me behind you – at a respectable distance, naturally – and admired my lovely Mitsubishi Colt in a heart-meltingly gorgeous greyish-blue colour-scheme with a scruffy looking git in a wooly hat behind the wheel... hello!... why don’t you let me know what you’re going to do?
 

See those stick things poking out wither side of the steering wheel? Try moving them up or down. Good. Now you windscreen is clean, try the other one. Ooo! Twinkly lights on the dashboard! There are twinkly orange lights on the outside of the car too! (You’ll have to trust me on that though.) If you practice this a bit, you’ll realise that these let me know if you’re intending to turn left, right, or maybe pull in somewhere for a nice Little Chef cuppa (but not an Ings. Sorry.) That way I can prepare myself. For your manoeuvre. Not make up and stuff. Cough.

Fun this, isn’t it? Now, having done all that, you can lift of the accelerator, or put the brakes on a bit (just a bit mind – don’t stamp on the pedal like it’s on fire... unless it is on fire. In which case you’ve got bigger problems than driving etiquette) and get on with your change of direction, stopping, or attempting to avoid a cyclist. Again.
 

There now. That was easy wasn’t it? No?

Did you even take a driving test...?!

(Huge thanks to the very lovely people who have left messages on my blog, and to all of you who’ve visited and helped me stay in the competition so far. I won’t hear a bad word said against you. So I’ve purchased some ear plugs. Love you!)