Tattoo You

Love them or loathe them - they’re here to stay. They were once the emblem of the Sailor or Outlaw.

Today, tattoos adorn the anatomy of Nurses, Teachers, Builders and Bankers throughout the world.

They were made fashionable by Rock Stars, Film Stars and Cat Walk Models. They’re now about as trendy as tartan trousers. Just about everyone has a tattoo or knows somebody who has one.

Having one hurts, they say. I’ve heard that many people go back for more. They enjoy the pain. Back in the day that was known as ‘Self Harm’. A good Counselor is far cheaper.

Sitting in the Steam Room of my local Leisure Centre recently I noticed a young man covered in them. Must have cost him a fortune! What some people will do just to be part of the crowd.

The local Leisure Centre is a fine place to be. Whether you’re there to keep in trim, lose weight, or just to socialise and make new friends it’s a ‘happening’ place.

Take the ‘New Recruit’: At first full of beans, determined to lose the flab, tries every machine in the Gym and even ventures into the Swimming Pool aiming to swim like a Dolphin. Usually, within three or four months, this budding Athlete has realised how much hard work it all is and hires a Personal Trainer. When the sweat starts to pour but the pounds don’t fall our disgruntled Olympian drifts slowly into the realm of the Jacuzzi.

The ‘Ranting Raver’ passes many an hour in the Jacuzzi. This socialite has said goodbye to personal fitness and is content to chat, joke, laugh, rant and rave, and dream about the next double cheese burger.

Occasionally, the ‘Ranting Raver‘ slowly transforms into the ‘Shopping Molley’.

Emerging from the warm tranquil waters of the spiraling foam you’ll see her submerging herself into the cooler depths of the Swimming Pool. I say ‘her’ because this aquatic creature is always female and always has a female accomplice. They can be seen performing a unique swimming stroke - side by side - similar to the Breast Stroke, but far more accomplished. The arms and legs resemble a puppy dog swimming for a bone. The head and neck is angled sideways and is held firmly above the water. This prevents a ‘bad hair day’ and enables full eye contact and free flowing conversation. The Shopping Molleys can be seen bobbing up and down the Pool, discussing fashion tips, hair dye, shoes and of course, the best ‘Buy one, get one free’ offers.

From time to time, the Shopping Molley is suddenly distracted from discussing the merits of the Avon Catalogue by the sudden appearance of the ‘Creatin Warrior’. You’ll sometimes hear the flicking of false lashes as she feasts her eyes on the towering presence of this golden Adonis .

Standing tall in his knee length beach shorts and neck chain, this fine specimen of Manhood is prone to flaunting his six pack, flexing his muscles and performing his best ‘Liam Gallagher Shuffle’ . He spends more time in the Gym than Arnold Schwarzenegger . He can usually be seen lurching between the Gym, Steam Room/Sauna and Jacuzzi. You’ll very rarely see him in the Pool. He spends half his wages on fake tan, protein powder and tribal tattoos – so he wants maximum visibility.
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Hidden in the darkest recesses of the Jacuzzi, lurks the the most deadly of all predators. He is a member of Sports Centres and Health Clubs far and wide. You’ll notice him smirking as the ‘Creatin Warrior’ lurches himself into the foam. Muscles and tattoos are not for him. With his slicked back neatly groomed hair and handsome features the ‘Pick-Up King’ can often be seen relaxing his lithe frame in the ebbing waters as the waiting game begins… and he knows it won’t be long before SHE arrives. You’ll see him glancing at his watch – recently bought on one of his many ‘weekend holidays’ – time is of essence to this Don Juan.

The ‘Queen of Dreams’ is always bang on time. Usually attired in a scimpy bikini she’ll float elegantly into view, tossing back her shoulder length hair extensions as she enters his lair. Throwing him the customary glance and smiling, she’ll dip a painted toe into the water, not to test the temperature, of course; simply to display her perfect body and all over tan, allowing him ample time to digest her loveliness before sliding gently into the bubbles to take her regal place beside him.

Turning their backs, they’ll watch as the swimmers and Shopping Molleys glide and bob in the pool . Within seconds he’ll be telling her of his new car, latest house purchase (bought to rent, of course) and off-shore bank account - not forgetting to ask her about her favourite holiday destination. When you hear her squeaky high-pitched giggle you’ll know he’s scored (again). If you look carefully you’ll see him concentrating as he memorises her phone number before apologising and taking his leave. He’ll explain he has an important ‘meeting’ to attend and that it’s a two hour drive. He won’t be late. The ‘Queens of Dreams’ are always bang on time.

From all walks of life. From all corners of the earth. All at your local Leisure Centre.