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Tuesday, 23 December 2014

Olives, cornflakes and Beadle’s About

HELLO. I’m a bit grumpy. It’s my birthday next week, where I reach a frightening mid-point between two round figures.

EM Peter Grenville column
Peter Grenville

A bit like being stuck between a naked Eric Pickles and a mirror.

Sorry – did I just spoil your dinner?

My birthday wishlist is the usual, sensible, collection of life-affirming items for a man of my youthful years; a Bucks Fizz reunion, an edging iron, 10, 1kg bars of Cadbury Dairy Milk, loud shirts, something to cure my cappuccino addiction, and a column in a local newspaper.

Bizarrely, the jolly nice people at the North-West Evening Mail have entrusted me with preparing you for the wonders of the weekend.

This is probably an occasion where excessive use of inverted commas is required, as this may not be a good thing. (I’m ranking “good vs bad” here on a “might depress you a bit” or “isn’t he a miserable git?” scale, as opposed to World War Three, shutting your fingers in the car door or any programme featuring Fearne Cotton saying “I love it” repeatedly. Or a Beadle’s About boxset.)

I’m not clever enough to have prepared an extensive list of subjects I need to talk about, and don’t have a good enough attention span to... Ooh! Look at that photo on the other page! Brilliant!

You can, however, rest assured that I will be doing my utmost to try and keep things light and cheery and never stray in to random diatribes about why tourists are annoying.

Or how we reached a stage where we all have a drawer full of cables that we haven’t the slightest idea fit into what, even though techies keep banging on about The Cloud and how everything is wireless. Or the pleasures of visiting hospital for an MRI scan. Or what the point of Juliet balconies is. Or why food packaging is so damn annoying and it’s impossible to get into anything without it ripping, covering you in yogurt, or showering your slippers with cornflakes, if you can even get into it at all (I’m looking at you, Crespo olive jars.)

Um.... sorry. I seem to have gone a bit purple in the face – I should probably go and have a lie-down and read my Anger Management For Dummies book. Again.

Should you feel confident enough that I won’t appear on your doorstep to take umbrage at your opinion (you’re probably safe – my sense of direction is terrible), feel free to say hello on that Twitter thing – I’m @grumpyf1.

Now that I’m a journalist, do I have to hack my own phone? (Hacks own phone. Discovers there are no messages. Cries a bit.)

Have a lovely weekend.

If you can.

Have your say

As always you hit the spot - particularly the drawer full of cables but never the one you need of course!
Keep it going.

Posted by Pat on 9 May 2012 at 19:52

You made us chuckle and despite living at the other end of the country we may have to become regular readers! A great start - keep up the "grumping"

Posted by Carol and Leslie on 5 May 2012 at 10:45

View all 4 comments on this article

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