CHRISTMAS day is fast approaching and we will be publishing a Christmas cracker joke every day until the big one.

What do Santa's little helpers learn at school?

The elf-abet!

What did Santa say to the smoker?

Please don't smoke, it's bad for my elf!

What is the best Christmas present in the world?

A broken drum, you just can't beat it!

What happened to the man who stole an Advent Calendar?

He got 25 days!

What kind of motorbike does Santa ride?

A Holly Davidson!

What do vampires sing on New Year's Eve?

Auld Fang Syne!

What goes "Oh, Oh, Oh"?

Santa walking backwards!

What does Miley Cyrus have at Christmas?

Twerky!

Why is a foot a good Christmas present?

Because it's a good stocking filler!

Who is Santa's favourite singer?

Elf-is Presley!

Why couldn’t the skeletons go to the Christmas party?

They had nobody to go with!

Why don’t penguins fly?

They aren’t tall enough to be pilots!

Two snowmen in a field, one said:  <i>“Can you smell carrots?”</i>

What do you get if you eat Christmas decorations?

Tinsilitus!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

A Christmas Quacker!

Who delivers presents to baby sharks?

Santa Jaws!

What do you get if you cross Santa with a duck?

A Christmas Quacker!

Why does Santa have three gardens?

So he can hoe, hoe, hoe!

Why did Santa's helper see the doctor?

Because he had low "elf" esteem!

What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their games in a hotel lobby?

Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer!

How did Mary and Joseph know that Jesus was 7lb 6oz when he was born?

They had a weigh in a manger!