HIGHER education – I think they call it that because, much like a mountain, the peak seems an unattainably long way off.

Apart from having stood outside a door saying “Head Teacher’s Office” while waiting to give blood a few years ago, I’ve not had any brushes with education for something in the order of 30 years. It must have worked out reasonably well last time, as I was able to figure out that time span without taking either of my socks off and using my toes to count.

According to my school reports, I was “a disruptive influence”. “Quite bright” and “lazy” regularly appeared in the same sentence too. Still, what does The System know, eh? My sports teacher gave me a report that was word-for-word identical to a lad who had been signed-off due to injury for two months, so who’s laughing now?

In an alarming turn of events, while the nation’s young learners are embarking on their summer break, I’ve somehow managed to find myself heading back into a frightening universe that involves learning stuff whilst not getting paid to do so. With an exam and essays.

You won’t be finding me hanging round the bike sheds or queuing up for dinner though, as I will be improving my brain remotely, by undertaking a spot of distance learning.

So far, I’ve nervously read various documents explaining what I need to study, purchased a 900-page book on the subject (Remember phone directories in their heyday? That.), and had a quick bash at a mock exam.

Considering my 50 per cent score is notably better that my success rate three decades ago, I’m considering this a distinctly promising start, and that the actual studying and exams should therefore be a no-brainer
(coincidentally, something I suspect my school teachers considered writing too).

Now I just need the essentials. Top of the list is a poorly photocopied planner, held together with an entire WH Smiths-worth of sticky tape.

A fluorescent orange pencil case is next up – I’ll need to write the names of my favourite bands on it with a
ballpoint pen, and maybe I can get some of my oldest friends to pop round and scrawl unspeakably rude things about that girl I fancied on it too.

I should probably stop wearing a coat outdoors when it’s raining as well – that seems pretty de rigueur among those receiving education. Do I need a damp towel in a sports bag, do you think?

There’s so much to think about.

Then there’s my studying area at home. I’ll have to see if I’ve still got a Sheena Easton poster I can put up, or something Star Wars related. Or that one of a monkey sat on a toilet.

Luckily, Top of the Pops got killed off, so that won’t be able to distract me, and I’ve no particular hankering to just hang around on the street corner looking surly – I save that for the office.

Right – I’d better get cracking. I just need to sharpen these pencils first...